TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully outside of location. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have One more location where American Adult men can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide Every person a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It can be that he ought to prevent working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the task, replied, "You realize, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from Room, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not merely ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising System: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    18% reported "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

Report this page